Vagrond the Gorn in “Danger? Oh yes, I’m in it”
Written: Sunday, December 28th 1997
“Danger? Oh yes, I’m in it”
by Vagrond and Brian McDoogle (figuratively)
Dedicated to the memory of Chris Farley. You never should have left
David Spade in charge of the bees.
Derby Coolidge, whose name coincidentally resembled the Gorn word for
stinky, but that’s off the topic, anyway, Derby Coolidge had just
informed Vagrond, who thought the name was quite descriptive, that Kel
Temmin’s file was a forgery, and the actual file had not just been
deleted, but the circuits that contained it were removed, so Temmin’s
file was permanently gone, at least to those who don’t have time travel.
Not that Vagrond could do much about it anyway, he was being removed
from all investigations for diplomatic reasons. Not to mention he was
getting sick of the whole furshlugginer thing anyway. So Vagrond
decided to book some shore leave, on a sleazy terran bar.
Vagrond was delighted to find that the bar stocked a bit of Gorn
“whiskey” just in case any beings with similar metabolisms stumbled in.
Vagrond made a logical decision to get nicely hammered.
After the first bottle Vagrond, upon request, began to tell the locals
what his home planet was like.
After the second bottle Vagrond’s vision was blurry and he began to
recount tales from Gorn mythology to the locals, this time without
After the third bottle Vagrond was no longer talking in Federation
Standard, but in Tholian. He was trying to convince the entire bar of
the merits of a treaty with the Gorn Alliance.
After the fourth bottle Vagrond yelled, “They’re everywhere! No!
They’ll never take me alive!”, paused, and then said, “Oh wait, false
After the fifth bottle Vagrond became convinced that the bartender was
one of his long dead war buddies. This was when the bartender decided
that Vagrond had drank enough. The bartender sent Vagrond on his merry
way to the nearest transporter pad.
Before Vagrond got there, however, he was attacked by a gang of roving
roughs. Their leader said, “Well look at what we have here. A Gorn.
You’re a long way from S’sgarnon mister.”
Vagrond tipped over a little bit and said, “You take that back about my
The gang leader said, “He’s smashed. Get him boys.”
Two of the gang pulled out knives and the other, who was their leader,
charged a phaser. This, however, would prove to be as stupid a move as
someone on a certain 20th century television show saying, “There’s
Xena! Kill her!”
One rough lunged at Vagrond with a knife. Vagrond, more than a little
“I told you to take it back!” Picked up the gang member, and threw him
full force into the air. Becuase of natural Gorn strength and Vagrond’s
bionics, the assailant flew over at least one terran’s living quarters.
The other person with a knife went at Vagrond, this time more combat
ready. Vagrond did not consider this charger a worthy opponent, so
decided to only slap him. Unfortunately Vagrond, intoxicated as he was,
forgot he had a bionic appendage. The assailant’s body fell to the
ground and his head landed near his colleague with the disruptor.
The leader was a little more than pissed off and said, “That’s it!” and
fired his phaser at Vagrond.
Now a phaser on stun setting might knock out a drunk, and it might knock
out a Gorn, but ther’e no way it could knock out a drunken Gorn. The
rough saying, “That’s it!” and the sound of the phaser translated into
some insult in Vagrond’s soaked mind, and Vagrond, unaffected, said,
“Thems fighting words.”
Vagrond walked up to the remaining rough, the leader with the phaser,
and disarmed him. Literally, and by that I mean Vagrond ripped the arm
with the phaser out of it’s socket. The rough was stunned, and collapsed
to the ground in shock.
Vagrond chanted “I am the champion” in a very slurred voice until the
Federation police arrived. When Vagrond tried to sell them shoes they
administered a major sedative, and placed him in a comfy bed in the
(OOC:I know you’re just DYING to reply to this log, but please don’t.
This ends here, and no one knows about it, or will ever know about it,
but Vagrond. And that includes you McDoogle.)
Have a nice Chromacus everybody!
By the way, “Lost in Space:The Movie” is coming soon to theaters near
everybody. I don’t know about you, but I’m seeing it opening night.
(This is a shuttle)