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“Vagrond. Doobie. Psychedelic? You bet.”
Written: Sunday, January 29th 2006

{Open to…}

“VAGROND AND DOOBIE’s PSYCHEDELIC ADVENTURE IX”

“(c)1983”

{Cut to an image of Vagrond wearing white pants and a white open sportcoat, standing in front of a Corvette. A toupee has been crudely duct-taped to Vagrond’s hairless reptillian chest.}

“STARRING TIMOTHY VANGROND AS VAGROND”

{Cut to an image of Jimmie Walker, aka JJ from Good Times.}

“ALSO STARRING JAMES CARLETON WALKER AS DOOBIE”

{Suddenly the screen turns gray and a small-print legal notice is shown.}

“LEGAL NOTICE: DUE TO A PRIOR COMMITMENT JULIUS IRVING M.D. WILL NOT BE PLAYING THE ROLE OF DOOBIE IN THIS MOVIE. IN A SETTLEMENT WITH THE PRODUCERS OF GOOD TIMES IT WAS DETERMINED THAT HIS REPLACEMENT CAN NOT LEGALLY SAY HIS CATCH PHRASE.”

{The movie starts with Doobie and Vagrond riding down a long stretch of Nevada highway in the ‘vette.}

Doobie “Out scanning the streets for trouble with Mr. V. Because I have the power of TNT!!!”

{Doobie claps his hands together.}

Vagrond (Looks unamused) “Uh, sure ‘Doobie’. Hey, look, we’re almost to Vegas.”

Doobie “Man that skyine sure is pretty as we come closer to Sin City.”

Vagrond “No, I said Vegas, Cincinnati was last Psychedelic adventure.”

{Scene change to Vagrond and Doobie pulling in front of a casino. They greet a gigantic man in a bright orange business suit.}

Doobie “Mr. Witchburg I see you are doing well, and some new cologne you must be wearing because fine you smell.”

Vagrond (Under breath) “Irving never had to reverse verb order grrrr..”

Witchburg “Vagrond, Doobie, come in, come in. I haven’t seen you since Ohio.”

{Cut to Vagrond, Doobie and Witchburg eating at a large table. They have salads in front of them which Vagrond is looking at confusedly.}

Vagrond “In case you don’t remember my species can’t digest the cell walls associated with terran plant life.”

Witchburg “I remember when I was in the can, lots of cell walls there, hah!”

{Awkward silence.}

Witchburg “Anyway, I need use of you two and your, shall we say, skill sets?”

Doobie “Well I don’t want to waste your time, so I’ll say I’m good at basketball and rhyme!”

Vagrond “I tank.”

Witchburg “Good, good, anyway, in 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Las Vegas underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. I think they kidnapped my daughter or something. Find them and kill them.”

Doobie “We’ll find your daughter very quick-lee, because my skills are like TNT!!”

{Vagrond covers his face in shame. Cut to Vagrond and doobie pulling up in the ‘vette outside a standard Hollywood warehouse.}

Vagrond “This looks a place where generic movie villains would take some fat human’s daughter.”

Doobie “Well pretty soon she’ll be feeling allright thanks to the magic of kid…”

{Doobie stares blankly for 20 minutes.}

Doobie “…ultralight.”

Vagrond “You get one more.”

{Just then George Peppard, Dirk Benedict, Dwight Schultz and Tim Dunigan emerge from the building.}

Vagrond “These men look slightly suspicious.”

{Vagrond bears his claws and fangs and lunges at the four of them, who start to run away, but then in a piece of awesome camera trickery are replaced by department store mannequins. Vagrond tears into the mannequins with his claws and rips them to shreds.}

Doobie “That may have been a little harsh, giant lizard of a type that…uh…might live in a marsh?”

{Vagrond clenches his front foot and stares and Doobie angrily. Suddenly the door to the building is kicked out, flying into the pile of mannequin shards. Mr. T emerges.}

T “Choose your weapon, fool!!”

Vagrond “I choose…Doobie!”

{Vagrond grabs the unwilling Doobie by his ankles and uses him as a bat to beat Mr. T repeatedly. Mr. T stands still and ignores the onslaught, however Doobie screams during the entire ordeal and, when Vagrond finally throws him aside, he is drenched in blood.}

T “Hah! Didn’t hurt at all suckuh!”

Doobie “Says you….oooooh.”

{Doobie falls unconscious.}

Vagrond “Looks like we’re going to have to do this the old-fashioned way!”

{In another feat of 1980’s pre-computer special effects, Mr. T is replaced by a mannequin, this time one spraypainted black. Vagrond runs up, grabs his various gold chains and then uses them to fling the mannequin, much like a sling, onto the side of the building. The mannequin shatters and its pieces slowly drift to the ground. Once they all land, the pile is replaced by Mr. T again, this time made up to look bloody.}

T “I guess you beat me…the great Deathatollah.”

Vagrond “Your character had a name?”

{Cut back to the dining table where Vagrond, Doobie and Mr. Witchburg were sitting before, obviously filmed at the same time as the previous scene, since the food in front of them is the same and Doobie isn’t seriously injured.}

Witchburg “Great job, Vagrond and Doobie!”

Vagrond “Sorry we didn’t find your daughter.”

Witchburg “It turned out she was actually just in the bathroom the whole time.”

Vagrond “Huh?”

Doobie “Well now you have a reason to live, since my power is…explosive!”

{Doobie claps his hands.}

Vagrond “You get two more.”

{Cut to another legal notice.}

“LEGAL NOTICE: CREDITS WERE DETERMINED TO BE UNNECESSARY.”

{End.}


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