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“The Ode of Rob Kestler”
Written: Wednesday, February 2nd 2000

{Scene opens with Kestler, Vagrond, and Webster in a 1974 Caprice Estate
with the top ripped off. They are driving 14 MPH down an unnamed California
highway. All three are dressed like Beverly Hillbillies. Kestler is set to
look like Jed Clampett and Vagrond is dressed like Granny and is sitting in
a rocking chair tied to the back and brandishing a shotgun. The following
is song as they drive to the tune of “The Ode of Jed Clampett (Beverly
Hillbillies Theme Song)”

“Come ‘n listen to my story ’bout a man named Rob
A porn shop owner, barely even tied to the Mob
And then one day, he was showing Blackman to succeed
And a few minutes later, Steves Jobs started to bleed
Juice, that is, busted open, for all to see

Well, the first thing you know, old Rob’s a millionaire
Kin folk said, Rob, move away from there
Said, Californy is the place you oughta be
So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly
Hills, that is, swimmin’ pools, porno stars

Well, now it’s time to say goodbye to Rob and all his kin
They would like to thank you folks for kindly droppin’ in
You’re all invited back again to this locality
To have a heapin’ helpin’ of their hospitality
Hillbilly, that is, set a spell, take your shoes off

Y’all come back now, hear?”

{Scene switches to the inside of a crappy apartment in California. Kestlerz
is dressed as usual except for the fact that he’s wearing has brand new,
K-Mart special tennis shoes. Vagrond is sitting on a throne made completely
of Gold, Silver, Platinum, and Pearl as he drinks Gorn liquor out of an
authentic midevil chalace, possibly the Holy Grail…}

Webster {From behind the camera since he is the camera man} “You’re now
worth over $250 million because of the Steve Jobs death in your shop and the
fact that you own stock and tou make the effort to move out here with all of
the Hollywood big wigs and the best you can do is this little crappy

Kestler “You’re not allowed to say that much Webster. Please rephrase your
question in the form of an answer.”

Webster “Whatcha talkin’ about Kestler?”

Kestler “That’s better.”

{Kestler, in attempt to show how truly rich he is, reaches down and re-ties
his new shoes…}

Kestler “Now that I have all of this money I suddenly now know truly how
important I am. So important in fact that I get to relish in the simple
luxuries of fame and fortune.”

{Kestler then sits down on the floor and puts his shoes next to the

Kestler “Damn it’s good to be me!!”

{Just then a fan runs by the window of Kestler’s 23rd floor apartment…}

Fan “You suck Kestler!”

Kestler “Yes, I like my shoes too. Thanks.”

{Fan runs by again…}

Fan “You sold out!!”

Kestler “Yes, I’m sure K-mart has sold out of these by now. I was lucky to
get a pair myself even though I am extremely rich and famous and thus God

{Fan runs by again, this time flashing a sign that says “Kestler=Steve Jobs
dying=$250 million=new shoes=sold out!” That is the last straw as no one
but Kestler may say anything directly about the shoes…}

Kestler “Hey Vagrond. Do you remember what the worst insult in wrestling
is? Well, that guy just called you worse! He just said that you’re a
REALLY *** JOBBER! I think he may have also said some kind of side note
about being a poo poo head.”

{Vagrond casually puts down the Holy Grail and steps out of his throne made
of precious materials and walks over to the window. When the fan runs by
with a sign that reads “Kestler is a REALLY *** JOBBER POO POO HEAD,”
Vagrond grabs him with his bionic arms and smashes his head in his hand.
The rest of the man’s body plummets to the Earth as Vagrond takes the left
over head mush and feeds it to a midget in the cage. Moments later he eats
the midget, cage and all…}

Kestler “The great thing about all of this money and fame is that I get
great opportunities now! Like this one for example!”

{Kestler takes out a pile of papers…}

Kestler “This is a movie script that I will be staring in called “Twelve
Monkies,Six senses, Five Elements, and One Battery.” Originally they wanted
Bruce Willis for the role but he was unavailable due to illness. So I will
be going under the screen name of Bruce Willis Number Two.”

Webster “Whatcha talkin’ about Kestler? I think you’re confused. Bruce
Willis just stated that he wouldn’t do the movie because the script made him
sick, not that he was physically too ill to perform in a good movie.”

Kestler “What did I tell you about this talking thing?”

Webster “”

Kestler “That’s better. But now I must go and have my shoes shined so that
they look there absolute best for the movie shoots.”

{The screen fades to black as Kestler continues to play with his shoes. The
“War in Heaven” action figures collectively cry about not being played



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