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Selections from “Nothing”
Written: Saturday, January 13th 2001

{5 ninjas in leotards jump out from behind the counter…}

Kestler “Oh, it’s on!”

{First ninja attacks Kestler and completely beats the tar out of him and leaves him on the ground for dead….}

Maurice “Damn, I didn’t expect that to happen. I thought Kestler was the hero in this whole thing.”

{Director walks on camera…}

Director “No no no no no! This is a whole new philosophy of film making! The hero just gets squished. I mean, it’s 5 ninjas! These are men trained for life to kill people! Let’s be realistic here! How is this one man going to be them all. Gosh, what a crock. Alright, let’s now set up the scene where they drag him into an inescapeable chamber where he dies.”

Kestler (from the ground) “I don’t like this any more.”

Director “Tough, you’re just a wrestler! Just walking meat! You’re nothing! NOTHING! I control you! I OWN YOU!”

{Director rips off his mask to reveal it’s ***** ***** midget!…}

Kestler “*****!”

***** midget “No!”

{***** midget rips off his mask to reveal that he’s really gaseous cloud alien and Rob Kestler’s arch nemesis PLANDEUX! Kestler pulls a paper cup out of his pocket and crushes it….}

Kestler “PLANDEUX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Scene fades into Rob Kestler who is trapped in an inescapeable cell on Plandeux’s moon freighter orbiting around the moon of a distant planet…}

Kestler “You’ll never get away with you devilish plan Plandeux! It’ll never work!”

Plandeux “So you think mortal. I’m the great Plandeux and with my wife-servant Soltres I will never go wrong! I shall finally be rid of you once and for all!”

Kestler “Someone will come and save me! I’ve got lots of friends!”

Plandeux “I have them currently distracted. Soltres has them fooled completely.”

{Fades to Psycho Jay, Cassie, Vagrond, and Soltres wearing a crappy Rob Kestler mask. They are all playing poker…}

Soltres “Furb.”

Cassie “You don’t seem to be so silly sillykins!”

Soltres “Trust me, I am completely the human known as Rob Kestler.”

Cassie “Ok 🙂

Soltres “I grow tired of this game.”

{Soltres sets the cards down and begins eating caterpillars…}

Psycho Jay “Hey Rob, couldn’t help but to notice that you have breasts all of a sudden and bear a weird resemblance to Yasmine Bleeth.”

Soltres “Lies! I am not Soltres, I am Rob Kestler the mortal.”

{Fades back to Kestler and Plandeux…}

Kestler “Damn you and your cleverness! They’ll see through your scam!”

Plandeux “They can’t, it’s perfect!”


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