Selections from “Derp: The RP”

Written: Thursday, November 23rd 2000

{Scene fades into Rob Kestler and Cassie sitting in Rob Kestler’s IWO dressing closet at whatever arena…}
Cassie “I’m sure glad that you decided to come back to your real home and have Thanksgiving with me!”
Kestler “Yep.”
Cassie “Sorry I’ve been gone for so long, but we had a big debat back home in South Eat Bumblefuck Iowa about who should be president.”
Kestler “Derp?”
Cassie “Since my family makes up a majority of the state we all had to go one way and it wasn’t silly or fun to talk about.”
Kestler “Moo?”
Cassie “Because we all know that whoever is in the white house won’t really affect our lives at all. They can’t take away our right to make the bestest cattle feed this side a missoura.”
Kestler “Moodoodle.”
Cassie “So, did you play a lot with your friends while I was gone?”
Kestler “I lil’ bit.”
Cassie “That’s good. What did you do.”
Kestler “I dunno. Stuff.”
Cassie “What kind of stuff? Silly stuff?”
Kestler “Ummmm….I somehow ended up in a match at the paper view for a shiny belt.”
Cassie “Rob-bert!”
Kestler “What?”
Cassie “What did I tell you about playing in your dangerous fake wrestling! Those big men might hurt you and break you. And that won’t be silly at all!!!!”
Kestler “Meesa sowry.”
Cassie “Why do you do this to me, why can’t you get a safe job like being a farmer?”
{cuts to farmer Cowtits out in the field with his wheat thresher…}
Farmer Cowtits “Yep, farmering is the bester job der is. Carn’t thank of anything morer safe or good natur’d than bein’ a farmer.”
{Farmer Cowtits accidently stumbles a bit and his arms are ripped off in the wheat thresher…}
Farmer Cowtits “Aw, not a again. Maw, call up da doc, I der dun it again.”
{Cuts back to Rob and Cassie…}
Cassie “And that’s why I think cold fussion is a no no not-a-silly.”
Kestler “Noop.”
Cassie “Now, why did you get involved with this whole belt thingy show?”
Kestler “I accidentally beat two other wrestler people and got into the match.”
Cassie “Naughty Rob!”
{Cassie hits Rob with a newspaper…}
Kestler 🙁
Cassie “I told you that you’re supposed to be settled down now and no more play fighting with your friends.”
Kestler “Meesa Sowry.”
Cassie “Rick Outlaw on 770AM radio Debuque, Iowa on his date hour said that men shouldn’t do stuff like that.”
Kestler “I didn’t know.”
Cassie “Now you know.”
Kestler “And knowing is half the battle!”
Cassie “What?”
Kestler “It’s from a TV story. Jem.”
Cassie “TV? What’s that?”
Kestler “It’s a box with little people in it that portray stories.”
Cassie “Oh, like a puppet show?”
Kestler “I don’t know. Maybe. AWS Man (also known as Bill) calls cameras a soul stealing box and you use cameras to inform the people in the TV therefore, in a way, TV stories are people’s souls.”
{Hypothesis Kain runs into the room…}
H.K “That would be a deductive reasoning strategy ending in a HYPOTHESIS!”
{Thunder rolls, lightning strikes, Kilroy eats a midget, Vagrond is competely appathetic to the gimmick theft/tribute from Kilroy, Hypothesis Kain leaves…}
Cassie “Ewwww, that sounds all weird and naughty. Let’s abolish television.”
Kestler “Hey, you sound like Joe Lieberman.”
Cassie “How silly!”
…
{Cuts to Rob Kestler and Cassie in their “home” (IWO dressing closet in an

undisclosed venue…}
Kestler “And that’s why abortion is a good idea. We can just abort them

and let God sort them out.”
Cassie “Abortion is not silly or fun. Back on the farm we don’t have

abortions which is why our family makes up the majority of the state of

Iowa. So I say abortion in naughty.”
{Discussion moderator Clive Burton walks onto the scene…}
Clive Burton “Alright, next issue. What do you think of a national

language.”
Kestler “Derp.”
Burton “No using your own distinct language here mister!”
Cassie “I think that everyone being exactly the same would be silly!”
Burton “Silly.”
Kestler “Silly means good.”
Burton “Ok. What about you Mister Kestler.”
Kestler “I think that a national language would take away from the

distinctiveness and heritage of the peoples who originally settled this

land. Just because we like our own customs and language doesn’t mean that

we have the right to force the majority’s ideals on the minority.”
Burton “Alrighty.”
Kestler “Moodoodle.”
Burton “What did I say about your own distinct language?”
Kestler 🙁
Cassie “I don’t think that people’s heritages would be lost. The would

still be able to speak their own languages. The government would then just

not have to print out like everything in three languages.”
Kestler “The government does everything in either english or latin. They

don’t acknowledge any other languages. If you look at what is printed in

multiple languages it’s VCR manuals and other commercial goods. Trust me,

we’re not increasing the national deficit there, we’re just making it so

that corporate, big business america has to acknowledge everyone.”
Cassie “I still think that a national language would be sillyriffic!”
Kestler “Why don’t we just go for the whole deal then, we institute

Espananto, the universal language. Then everyone learns this new language,

we replace everything we have, and we’re all happy!”
Cassie “Ok! :-)”
Kestler “Because America did so well converting to metric.”
Cassie “Met-what?”
Clive Burton “Next topic. President.”
Cassie “I say that we test their internal silly levels. Whoever is higher

wins….yay!”
Kestler “I’m going with our state governer and saying that all we do is

simply change the constitution, leave Clinton in for four more years, and

we’ll have a do over in 2004.”
Burton “Isn’t it true that Governer Jesse ‘The Checkbook’ Ventura is a

flaming idiot in politics?”
Kestler “Moo!”
Burton “Next topic, sex.”
Cassie “Naughty!!!”
Kestler “What’s that?”
Burton “Oh come on! You’ve gotta be doing it!”
Kestler “Doing it!”
Cassie “You’re not a silly person at all! Dare I say that you’re

completely un-silly!”
{Cassie throws Clive burton into the ventilation shaft that is dressed up to

look like a window….Cassie chose a cow pattern to make it more like

home…}
Cassie “I don’t like people like that coming into our house out of no

where. It’s not fun at all.”
Kestler “Yep…I wonder what Vagrond is doing….”
{Fades to the Psychic Porn n’ Go where Vagrond is passed out on the floor.

Schitzo Tod and AWS Man (also known as Bill) are looking over him…}
AWS Man (also known as Bill) “What the freak is a Vagrond.”
Schitzo Tod “Let’s just poke at him with a stick!”
{Tod begins to poke at Vagrond with a stick. This get no response at

all…}
AWS Man (also known as Bill) “Freakin’ do something! This is getting

freakin’ boring! Freak, we’ve been here for like 5 freakin’ hours in a porn

store and we’re not even freakin’ watching porn….FREAK!”
Schitzo Tod “Let’s poke at him with an atomic war head!”
{Tod tries to drag Vagrond but due to Vagrond’s huge size it doesn’t

work…}
Schitzo Tod “Who would have thought a 600 pound lizard would be so heavy?!”
AWS Man (also known as Bill) “Freak!”
{Vagrond begins to stir…}
Schitzo Tod “Ah! It’s moving!”
{AWS Man (also known as Bill) and Schitzo Tod jump back. Vagrond gets to

his feet…}
Vagrond “Every time I wake up this happens.”
Schitzo Tod “Ah! It’s talks!”
Vagrond “Ah, it’s a ******. Where is the gorn liquor provider?”
AWS Man (also known as Bill) “What the freak is a Gorn liquor provider?”
Vagrond “Ignorant tool. He is the Human who provides me with gorn liquor.

His name is Ross Kebler or something.”
Schitzo Tod “Ross Kebler? Like the elf?”
Vagrond “I said he was a human you waste of protein.”
Schitxo Tod “Moo?”
Vagrond “I swear this planet takes away from the intelligence of the life

forms on here.”
AWS Man (also know as Bill) “Let’s watch some freakin’ porn!”
Vagrond “Fine, I still have some gorn liquor left but if Ross Kebler isn’t

back when I’m out then there will be trouble.”
{Fades back to Kestler and Cassie…}
Cassie “…and that’s why Jay’s Mom named him Jay. Because she knew what

it rhymed with and it’s fun and silly!”
Kestler “Derp!”

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